My name is Woods and I am not a sinner

After Tiger Woods' apology on national television late Friday night, the media is abuzz with reports of how the FBI and the US Government seem to have come up with a new plan of action to nab Osama Bin Laden - the 9/11 mastermind still at large. The mission to be led by Woods himself has been codenamed 'Operation Hole in One' on insistence from the Tiger on the basis of all the success he has had on and off the golf course with the aforementioned mission in mind.

Operation Hole in One, which would not have any military involvement, is said to be the brainchild of George.W. Bush -the previous president of the United States of America. Bush, it is rumoured, seems to have been inspired by the Bollywood flick My Name is Khan, running to packed audiences in the US. Mr. Bush-with a penchant for out-of-the-box thinking as was evidenced during his tenure when he decided to attack Iraq to wipe out terrorists in Afghanistan- is said to have been touched and deeply influenced by the ability of the human mind to transcend all barriers in the face of love as portrayed in the movie . This particular scheme seems to have struck Mr. Bush in the middle of a scene when the lead protagonist of the movie finally seeks out the President of the USA as demanded by his wife and screams out, "My name is Khan and I am not a terrorist" . Conspiracy theories however suggest that Bush has not been one bit enamoured by the decision to award the Nobel Peace Prize to his successor and wants to have a shot at himself and hence this ploy.

The FBI, it is believed, has already colluded with Elin Nordegren, Woods' wife after approval from Barack Obama, who it is suggested, sees this as a great opportunity to cut down on military spends and thus enhance spendings on bonuses of Wall Street executives who are still struggling to get back to their feet in the aftermath of the recession. The pact would have Elin accepting Tiger back into the house only after seeking out Bin Laden and conveying the message, "My name is Woods and I am not a sinner" which would help the US track down Bin Laden at the same time.

It is also rumoured that Tiger was reaching out to the global community when he said, "I have a problem and I need help" as part of his telecast 'apology'. The FBI is also supposed to be working behind the scenes on this and is in the process of building up a grand coalition. The U.K Government is said to be working hard on the wives of John Terry, the England football captain and Ashley Cole, the Chelsea left-back in their efforts to launch another parallel operation code-named 'Operation Ball on Goal'. Bill Clinton has also thrown all his weight behind Tiger Woods and has promised to help him out given his experience in international diplomacy and sexual escapades. Back home, the Ministry of External affairs has solicited the help of disgruntled politician Amar Singh (now without a party) and disgraced Andhra Governor N.D. Tiwari given their proven track record. The Shiv Sena/MNS combine is apparently regretting the protest that they had launched at the launch of the movie as it has boomeranged badly on them in the absence of a Marathi Manoos in the Indian contingent.

Sponsors who had ditched Tiger in the aftermath of all the controversies are said to be keen to get the Tiger back on board and are willing to offer revised deals to help Tiger support this noble cause. The Al-Qaeda is said to be in a state of panic over the Tiger's video-taped recording, something which had been their trademark till now. Bin Laden, reports Al-Jazeera has also posted a series of advertisements in various Matrimonial columns under various monikers to keep ahead of the Tiger in the numbers game. However, there is little doubt about the fact that the Tiger on the prowl has managed to unnerve the Al-Qaeda more than the army action by the US over all these years.

In hope does this community live

22:00 hrs, Saturday, 13th February - Depressed as I am, I decide to head to my friend's place (a male) to get over it. Both of us are very excited about the upcoming day though neither of us have an idea as to the reason why.

00:00 hrs, Sunday, 14th February - Frantic calls are made to the community of all "single and ready to mingle" friends wishing them luck and happiness on Valentine's Day. The irony of prefixing a happy to all disgruntled and lovelorn individuals is not lost on me when all that is likely to happen during the course of the day is a series of "where are you taking her" questions over gtalk, the her referring to an individual who could have been referenced sometime during a drinking session or a one-time infatuation. It also strikes me that Valentine's Day has become more of an occasion for the community of 'singletons' (pun unintended) as it always feels embarrassing to wish somebody who is going around with another somebody. Probably, they do keep the Valentine's flag aloft amongst the community of "committed" individuals. Fingers crossed and touching wood, I go to sleep.

09:30 hrs, Sunday, 14th February - I wake up and grab my phone in anticipation of some SMS from some old flame. I see two missed calls and one SMS from home. Cursing my luck, I head back to sleep again.

10:00 hrs, Sunday, 14th February - I wake up and open up my Google account much to my friend's dismay. By all accounts, he seems to have planned for a long morning in front of his laptop wishing all his female friends but since I am his guest, he has little option but to grin and bear. He starts watching Mohabattein as a mark of protest.

11:00 hrs, Sunday, 14th February - I am well into my chatting session as I partake in the sorrow of most of my friends. I get depressed again and get a customary ticking-off from a friend whom I am convinced must have been a statue in a previous avatar. Of course, Valentine's Day gets discussed in great detail

12:00 hrs, Sunday, 14th February - I am dragged by my friend to an up-market departmental store for he wants to get some gift. I am not supposed to ask about the intended recipient and I chug along. As is often the case, we spend a good hour without able to finalise on anything. I spend most of the time near the sports accessories section and proudly claim to another friend over phone about how I was helping somebody get a gift for a "special one". I get a strong "usko aur koi nahi mila kya gift dhoondne mein help karne ke liye" retort. I disconnect the call immediately. Seeing me drooling over a football, my friend offers to gift it to me. I am forced to refuse as accepting a gift on this day would be seen as acceptance of defeat in the pursuit of that special one especially with the better half of the day remaining. We give up on gifts and ogle at a giant body-builder as we move out

15:00 hrs, Sunday, 14th February -So, as much of the day gets spent discussing and debating the best way to go about spending time on Valentine's day, the best we manage to come up with is My Name is Khan. Opinions are sought, reviews read and bargain prices searched for. The problem with SRK and AK movies is that you invariably end up getting completely divergent viewpoints. This one is no different. "If you want to retain your faith in Bollywood, stay away from this one" , says one whereas another is all praise for SRK's performance. We decide to watch the movie all the same as some more frustrated individuals join us.

16:00 hrs, Sunday, 14th February - The one thing I don't want to happen with me on this day is getting beaten up. Having read about all the Sena disruptions, I decide to play patriot as I put on my Team India jersey just in case some Sainik happens to create a ruffle. What that Sainik is unlikely to have noticed are my sunglasses neatly tucked in my T-shirt and all the fairness cream smeared on my face. Human beings are indeed an optimistic lot!

19:00 hrs, Sunday, 14th February - The movie ends. We have a quarrel as to which was the more tolerable half. Opinion is divided right down the middle but there is consensus over the fact that the Sena might have been doing a noble deed for once.

21:00 hrs, Sunday, 14th February - I sit down to write this post. And just to add credence to the fact that some individuals never seem to lose hope, here is what my friend just pinged me:

Friend: dude..

what the hell are u doing at home

its valentines day man

get a move

21:50 me: lol

writing a post on all of this

Friend: on what?

bloody u.

21:51 wasting ur time on valentines

call ur girl and go out man

dont be such a bore