The year that was!

Difficulty Level: Very Easy

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India 2010

What's in a name?

Namesake:

It is final and binding. If you are a resident of America, you cannot have first names that are more than six characters long just like you cannot have passwords that are more than twelve characters long. I came this conclusion thanks in no small part to the organisation that I work for. Being a part of the great Indian software and 'foren' dream, I came across quite a few NRIs (Non-Resident Indians), RIRAs (Resident Indians Residing in America) and INRIs (Indians Never Resided in India) who had made a fortune for themselves abroad. Something that did puzzle me then was the abridgement of the first names in proportion to the weight of his/her bank balance. I have heard of three different persons by the names of Sri, Vats and Son, all originally Srivatson and observed that there was a pattern to it. Basically, all first names are of the form ABCDEF where one and only one of B,C,D and E must be a vowel and at most just one of A and E can be a vowel. To put it simply, all first names must be less than or equal to six characters comprising just two vowels and that too only if one of the first or the last letters is a vowel. The preferred methodology is pretty simple: take out the first two syllables from your actual name and append a vowel if your name sounds very cheesy otherwise. Thus, Venkataraman becomes Venky, Kashiram becomes Kash and Samrath becomes Sam. I do feel for all those Fakruddins and Khsitijs who are in the U.S.A . I am also indebted to my parents for having shown tremendous foresight in this matter.

The question is popped:

Recently, I had one of those nightmarish visits to one of those very distant relatives. One of the problems with visiting such folks (accentuated in Tam Bram families) is that the host professes to have known you all his/her life so much so that you would almost think that he/she had been living with you all along. To make matters worse, you have no option but to nod with a sheepish grin knowing only too well that even the slightest revolt would invite censure. This was a visit to one of those X'S Y's Z where X could stand for any one of uncle, aunt, grandfather or grandmother, where Y could for one of nephew or niece and where Z, for the sake of simplicity, is always brother or sister. I must confess that I remember just the X in this case and that is probably due to the fact that X was accompanying me that day. Being the closely knit unit that we are, I had to repeat the sheepish grin with nod ritual in front of all of Z1, Z2, Z3....Zn, where Zi belonged to the immediate family of Z. One of thos Zs, say Ze, had to embarass me with this peach, "kalyanam kazhinjittu ethra samayamayachu" (How long have you been married?). Now, folks who know me well would already be in splits at the very thought of somebody even contemplating the idea of yours truly being married.For the information of others, I am odd-on favourite at 59:1 to get married last when it comes to my colege batch, and only a marginally better 1:3 when it comes to getting married at all. However, that question did bring me to life and make me sit up straight and my facial expression at that point of time must have made for a good tableau for Ze tried to make peace by admitting that the subject in question looked too young to be married. Mention of my vitality made me smile wryly as I helped myself to some halwa with filter coffee in hand. Another problem with visiting these Zs is that they invariably invoke some other distant relative of theirs who might have had a very vague facial resemblance to yours and do a very thorough juxtaposition. To copound the misery, all Zs but for Zi have to support Zi's observation. I felt that the halwa was too sweet and that the coffee had little sugar and restored both to their rightful positions.

CAT chaos -I

The CAT kicked off amidst great excitement at various centres across India. However, major chaos has broken out with reports of servers crashing and students unable to take their exam.

Preliminary reports indicate the handiwork of some MNS youth appearing for the exam. It appears that the trigger for their action was a question in the Data Interpretaion set which had information about the different languages that 500 students studying in four different schools in Maharashtra spoke. Apparently, one of the questions corresponding to that set went along the lines of, "At least how many students speak Marathi?" with none of the answer choices reading 500. To make matters worse, the question had 0 as one of the options.

Incensed, these youth seem to have gone on a rampage damaging all examination servers they could lay their hands on. On being asked to comment, the Chairman of the CAT had this to say, "Aise bade exam mein aise chote chote cheezein hoti hai". A Cabinet Meeting has been called to address the issue and it seems that as a conciliatory tactic, Marathi in the question will be replaced by Tamil. The DMK is said to be monitoring the situation closely. More information as soon as more news breaks out......

Cul-de-sac

The horizon was begiining to blur as he gazed at the distance in the dark of the night. He had been given 12 months to put it all together but he had failed miserably. Unlike in the past, he was running away from reality and ducking challenges. He was feeling lonely and had started questioning the purpose of existence.

He had stopped playing the beautiful game; he hadn't bowled full throttle the way he used to love doing in college for over four months; he had quit newspapers too, something he hadn't done all his life. His food habbits had become wayward and he had taken recourse to torturing his body. He had shed 4 kilograms over the last week.

All of this wasn't new to him. He had been through all this and much more a couple of years ago but then he had known the cause all along and where the salvation was, just that he had become too weary to make that effort. This time around, he knew that there wasn't going to be any salvation.

He had tried reasoning out with many people but all the counsel had left his mind muddled.

Maybe, he was just going through a bad phase. His soul-mate had fallen seriously ill; he had had one of the nastiest tiffs in his life with his punching bag for all seasons; one of the nicest persons he had ever come across had left him to build his own canvas; Liverpool were having one of their worst seasons ever and India were contriving to lose cricket matches.

It had to change quickly for his sake. He realised that he needed a change in his environs. He packed his bags and....

Cul

What a city!

It has been little over a year since I started residing in this city and in the midst of a very monotonous routine, I must confess to having taken great interest in the various little intricacies that go about defining life here and how this magnificent city always seems to leave you feeling inadequate

Swine flu was no different.

It started off being the butt of all jokes around the cafetaria table. I was having a tough time at work being forced to abandon travel back home in order to slog those extra couple of hours . Hitherto, all my adventures in the Mumbai suburbans had been late night ones. I must admit to having freaked out once when a group of Sainiks stormed into a bogie which had been occupied by just yours' truly at one in the morning. I have great sympathy for eunuchs as a class, but catching them in compromising positions on another occasion well after midnight- to put it mildly- was distasteful. So here I was, wating at the station at five in the morning, eager to catch some fresh air, which I hadn't done for a couple of days, having been caged in the stifling air-conditioned environs of my workplace.

I was to be taken aback as the train arrived

Initially, it seemed as if a certain religious sect whose extreme adherents cover their mouths was celebrating some auspicious day. Besides, there was hardly any space to step into. Once I regained my wits about myself, I was telling myself, "Dude, this is Mumbai for you". I came to understand that there had been "two fatal cases of swine-flu" in the city over the past twenty-four hours. I resisted taking my handkerchief's assistance, at the same time berating my fellow passengers for resorting to such unwarranted, panic-driving measures. I shuffled uncomfortably next to an elderly person, who by all conservative estimates was over seventy and lo and behold, out came his handkerchief to cover his face with a look of disgust and extreme disapproval to boot.

"F*** me. What does that **** think of himself?" was all I could mutter. Contempt for fellow passengers soared. I took in the morning air with great aplomb for the rest of the journey

The 'nose and mouth' (N&M) disease had spread to hawkers on the platforms when I took the train back to work. I was in this exalted state which one attains when he/she believes in being a cut above the rest. My parents' narration of swine -flu incidents across Mumbai had done very little to dent my ego. After a couple of stations, a couple of my colleagues joined me with masks in place. Inhalation became more measured all of a sudden.

After another thoroughly exhausting and boring day at work, I hired an auto to get to the rail station. No sooner had I boarded the auto than the driver took out his handkerchief and put it in place (N&M). I was stumped and muttered the very same lines under my breath, but this time in Hindi.

The scene at the rail station resembled one out of a cancer hospital. My dad has a sense for calling me when you least want him to, and unsurprisingly, he was on the line giving me details about cases of swine-flu reported. My hand reached out to my pocket in a flash, and N&M had its latest victim. I ensured that my hands stayed inside my laptop bag for the remainder of the journey not wanting to catch a strain of the virus that may have been 'flying over my head or resting on the window sill'. The state of elation that I had been in seemed a distant dream. My head started spinning; my body was shivering a tad and there were a couple of sneezes, all of which did great good in contributing to my general sense of well-being. I just wanted to get back home safe. I also remembered the old man and the auto driver and started apologising to them.

Once I reached the station, I dashed to the nearest pharmacist and was relieved when he gave me a couple of N-95 swine-flu masks. I was sweating now and heaved a sigh of relief when I got home.

I woke up the next morning and washed my hands with all the different hand-washes that I had bought the previous day. I popped in a couple of Vitamin tablets and also some almonds as confidence building measures. With a clean handkerchief in pocket and mask in place (N&M), I stepped out of my house, still feeling mighty impressed about myself.

I was to be taken aback again.

It was a sight that had to be witnessed. N&M had vanished and the 'Aam Junta' was celebrating Janmashtami in full splendour. People were no longer suspicious about the person next to him/her and it was an outpouring that forced the 24*7 Nonsensical & Endlessly Weird Speculating (NEWS) channels to tone down their coverage of swine-flu. I was humbled and at the same time felt dwarfed as I deposited my mask in the waste-bin nearby

I was telling myself again, "Dude, this is Mumbai for you".

(A special word of thanks to Rahul for inviting me home and then going on a 'personal errand' forcing me to write to kill my boredom)

Is this guy the greatest ever?

One debate ended only for another to start. No sooner had Federer out-aced Andy Roddick on the hallowed SW 19 Centre Court than questions started floating about the greatest contemporary sportsperson. Poor A-Rod! The Nebraskan with the never-say-die attitude who had been anointed Pistol Pete's heir had outplayed and outwitted the one who was trying to stake claim to being the greatest ever tennis player only to be knocked out in a manner nobody had foreseen.

15 Grand Slams, 20 Grand Slam finals, 21 Grand Slam semifinals...The list might be fascinating compilation for a statistics buff. Just to put things in perspective, it is like staying the top batsman in T-20, Test and ODI cricket or being the FIFA World Footballer of the Year or winning over 90% of Formula 1 races not once but over the course of five years. Tiger Woods might point to his reign atop the Golf rankings; Lance Armstrong could point to all his Tour De France yellow jerseys; Haile Gebrsellasie would point to all the long distance records he has broken but...

Irrelevant!

Nobody amongst them has done it with so much ease, so much class, so little effort, so little difficulty and so much consistency. Rafael Nadal will always spring up when Federer critics speak but, lest we forget, tennis is probably the only sport which tests the versatility of an individual to the extent where fundamentals that apply to one surface don't necessarily hold on another.

So, is it a given that we are watching the greatest contemporary athlete? Michael Schumacher won five F1 Championships on the trot but Lewis' struggles this season have highlighted the importance of the machine in that sport. Besides, Michael didn't exactly cover himself in glory when a certain Fernando Alonso came along. Tiger Woods' will break all possible golfing records, but he will do that over a longer timeframe because of the nature of his sport. Yes, Woods has to take on the entire field all at once unlike Federer who has just one adversary at a time and just has to ensure that he is better than his opponent on the given day. Well, that is what pressure is about! Tiger Woods' disastrous Matchplay record (golfing equivalent of a tennis match) will bear testimony. Tendulkar, Ronaldo (Brazilian forward), Steve Redgrave (British rower), Lance Armstrong (American cyclist), Garry Kasparov etc. come to mind when reaching the pinnacle of one's profession gets talked about, but honestly, they have never overshadowed the sport like Federer has currently.

And, before you jump out accusing me of being elitist or sexist, I do admit that the above is just a list of male champions from sports which are not exactly nondescript.

No wonder, the act of coronation was so special. Hardly ever before have we witnessed such a power-packed celebrity gathering for a sporting event. It was as if greater powers had set it all up. By the time, Roger wins a few more Grand Slams, it might well be time to ask, "Is this guy the greatest ever?"

Back to Square Twenty?

So, we are no good against ENT balls; we crumble under pressure; we need to stop playing the IPL; and we need to find a new skeeper to replace Moody Selfish Dhoni.This depressing media diagnosis- bearing a striking resemblance to the one about a certain neighbouring country a couple of days back- after failure to perform well in a tournament that has been likened to WWF, desserts and foreplay smacks of a convenient ignorance on part of the ever hypocritical media.

It is probably time to take a step back and dispel a few myths:

Myth 1: T-20 cricket is made for India

Individuals growing up playing a form of cricket colloquially referred to as gully cricket don't necessarily represent a perfect T-20 fit. Traditionally, Indian cricketers have never been athletic, innovative, powerful or tactful- qualities that are a must for the T-20 format. However,they have always been bestowed with talent and a sense of timing. With a fielding side that is bound to concede ten runs per game on an average and a bowling unit containing no mystery bowlers or bowlers of extreme pace, India were bound to struggle once T-20 started to be viewed as a science by other teams. As a good T-20 team, you need to have most of the above attributes or be ruthlessly efficient like South Africa are. India don't tick most boxes and that has been borne out by India's T-20 record since that World Cup victory. You can still win it all in this format if you have huge doses of fortune along the way and that in itself should be the biggest commentary about T-20 cricket.

Myth 2: Dhoni is Mr.Cool

M.S.Dhoni wouldn't even make the shortlist of the 100 most gifted players in the country. For a player with such limited gifts, he has to keep working on his game consistently and inventing himself. Add to this, the pressures of captaincy, wicketkeeping, girlfriends and advertisements (kiddology attached to the last two), it is no wonder that he has started getting very grumpy of late. Being critical of teammates, selectors and the Board in full media glare doesn't sit well with his Mr. Cool image. If anything, the game of cricket has once again proved to be the great equalizer.

Myth 3: Dhoni is Mr. Fool

Dhoni has been regarded as being selfish because of his approach to ODI and T-20 cricket of late. There is no doubt that he has made a conscious transition from the slam-bang approach when he first played international cricket to a more measured one. People tend to forget that most of those runs scored as a result of that carefree approach were made against bowling attacks that read Sami, Razzaq, Fernando,Vaas, Naved on the flat tracks back home. Dhoni, like most hitters, has a hitting zone which international bowlers have sussed out and stay away from. It is not Dhoni's fault that he is no longer able to create so many scoring opportunities. Rather, it is to his credit that he has managed to evolve an alternate batting methodology and managed to stay in the hunt and not become another of those one-year castaways. Sachin Tendulkar too made a not too dissimilar transition not long back. However, where Dhoni needs to buck up is in his belief that he can comfortably chase down 10 runs on an average over a period of time. Some of the greatest individuals in the game who have worked with Dhoni have called him the smartest cricketer around and when he has a few off-days, we would be better served with a "it's time to move on" on our part rather than have a go at him. Equalizer or not, expect Dhoni to be back trying to get one up on others. He has got that cheek that has rarely been seen in Indian cricket.

Myth 4: India are going to leave the rest of world cricket behind

Individual work ethic has never been India's strength. For a team to stake claim to being the best in the world, it has to be together for some time and then be able to make the transition to the next level. Talent and that surprise element will only get you a certain distance .There is something about the Indian psyche that has prevented this from happening, thus far anyhow. We know what happened when Greg Chappell brought in some tough training routines; we see how Yuvraj has gone from being one of the best fielders in the world to possibly the worst in the Indian team and we have also seen the stagnation in all our fast (read medium) bowlers but one. We are still going to have phases when we take world cricket by storm (ala Pakistan) when we get a team of young, talented individuals. But, as word goes around about their weaknesses,a process likely to be expedited by the IPL, we will also get Indian teams that dabble in mediocrity for a while.

Myth 5: India need to look for another captain

Dhoni has been India's shrewdest captain over the last decade and should be in the saddle for the foreseeable future just by virtue of the fact that he is the only certainty in the playing eleven. The other two contenders, Sehwag and Yuvraj, have never displayed any consistency in all forms of the game over a period of time and have always been found wanting when it comes to work ethic.

So, the prognosis, in reality, shouldn't be all that depressing. India, just by virtue of the exposure that its talent pool gets should be amongst the best in the world which in itself represents a far cry from the past, but unless a team of individuals with the drive of an Anil Kumble or a Sachin Tendulkar come along, it is difficult to see a group of youngsters- pampered and built up by the media without having proven their mettle - take the next step. Till then, it is time to tone down expectations of an invincible Indian side but at the same time cherish the fact that every defeat is not going to get us back to Square One as was the case in the past. Considering the format, Square Twenty would be appropriate, right?